Tonight is a Taylor Swift and Mariah Carey night

Rough couple of days. I can't even begin to get into everything that is going on. But the icing on the cake came yesterday in the mail. I have a court date for disability coming up. I chose to do this without a lawyer because I'm already paying one and can't afford another. So I have a TON of things to get together in the next 20 DAYS and I have no idea where to begin. So how do I react? I cry, cry more, sob hysterically in the shower, make a few phone calls, cry while I'm on the phone like some sort of moron, cry through therapy then listen to some Mariah Carey and Taylor Swift and let myself cry without beating myself up for doing it. Sometimes I think it's important to do that. Some of the words are exactly what I need to hear right now. I'm going through withdrawal from the heavy meds I was on for PTSD. My doctor had me stop them immediately because I had a really bad reaction to it.

I have plans with James to go to the beach tomorrow and have a picnic. I'm looking forward to it, but it's hard to get excited about anything right now. All I want is to be snuggled, have my hair rubbed and have someone tell me everything will be ok and acknowledge that I'm doing the best I can.

Sometimes I really miss high school. It wasn't a school, it was a family. It was amazing and I'd give anything to still have all those people around me all the time. The teachers and students would come up and hug you and let you cry or yell or run around or do whatever you needed to do. And if you acted like a fool cuz you were over your head they didn't hold it against you, they just understood and helped when you were ready. I had my share of days where I needed to be able to lay on a futon and watch a movie, color all day or hide under the table and sleep, haha. That school saved a lot of lives and gave a lot of kids the chance they needed.

Well, I'm going to lay down, try to clear my mind and fall asleep.

<3<3<3

Insomnia, Pain and Anxiety OH MY!

Wahhh!!!

It's 12:39 AM right now and I can't sleep. I normally can't sleep easily because my mind races with visions of car accidents and stretchers but my Dr put me on new anxiety pills that are supposed to help me sleep. I used to take Ambien before I moved back to Rochester. I wish my would just refill it. Instead he gave me a prescription for a medicine used to treat PTSD that makes you tired so I take it at night. It DID make me fall asleep within like an hour-ish but I would still wake up from nightmares, pain, anxiety and sometimes a straight up panic attack. He upped my meds and gave me an "emergency" one for when I am starting a panic attack. I was supposed to take it every night for a week at first though. I will admit my anxiety is slightly less, but it still has a way to go though. And the fact that I'm not sleeping is making everything worse. Your mind plays tricks on you when you don't sleep. For real. so that makes it even worse. For the past several weeks, since before I did the nannying, I have been averaging about 4-5 hours of sleep a night. And that's not 4 or 5 restful hours, I wake up every 45 minutes - 2 hours then it takes me a while to fall back asleep. I have lots of thoughts running through my head then. The stupid train that drives by my house every 13 seconds blowing it's whistle doesn't help either. Ok, it's not every 13 seconds, it's like every 90 seconds but whatever :-P

Pain. OW OW OW OW OW OW OW! Today my back was KILLING me. I did nothing out of the ordinary but while I was in the middle of eating dinner with my family I ended up bursting into tears because it hurt so bad. I never complain about it so they know when I cry I'm really in bad shape.

I think I really need to start complaining more so they understand that it's a problem I deal with every minute of every day. Do you know how exhausting just that alone is? I just choose not to make my problems other peoples problems. But that always comes back to bite me in the ass with this family. I love them all but they really need to learn to think before they speak because in all honestly I'm kind of a broken person. I have a thick skin and trust me I'm a fighter but the second I turn my back I cry and go upstairs to my room. And the constantly picking on me for things I CAN'T change or do anything about needs to stop. I spent some extra time at my moms this week and didn't do any therapy because I needed to regain my sanity. I feel like I'm always getting kicked while I'm down and getting salt poured in my wounds and I don't know why people would want to do that to me. I'm just a girl who's dreams were crushed because of someone else's carelessness. But I kept trying, for 3 years!!! I've done everything I could do and didn't listen to the doctors who told me "you can never be a doctor because of your injuries. You physically can't handle the schooling and the residency" but I kept trying. I have loans out my ass and no ability to work to pay them off. But everyday I try to make a good day. And feeling like a failure for so many reasons is a hard thing to get past every day, not being able to carry laundry, give myself a pedicure, walk my dog and things like that are horrible reminders that I am not the same as I used to be. But then when I'm told things like "you're getting too fat" because I can't run anymore or "you don't deserve to have your dog, you can't even walk her" because her pulling makes the walking hurt even more or "what are you gonna do with your life? You can't even go to school" makes it a million times more unbearable. So, for the record, I had plans of what I wanted to do. I busted my ASS to get to where I was, which might not be as fabulous a place as you, but I was proud. And I had confidence and I was going to change lives. I was unstoppable. The came the dumb lady in the Lexus and that life was over. Even though I fought like hell to hang on to it.

Now, I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe go into business for myself at some point since I'm the only one who can understand what I need physically and emotionally. But really, after all this I just want to be a great wife and mommy someday. Not now, but someday. Shit even if I was to get married in 5 minutes and have babies my spine would probably snap. Hopefully in a few years I won't find out I can't do that, cuz that would devastate me. I should have lived in the 50's. I like the simple things in life a lot more that the glitz and glam. I'm kind of a diva but I have my core values and I would give up the chance to be rich and famous to be loved and secure.

This was a lot of babbling but I hope anyone who knows me personally got something out of it. I have a lot more to say but I think I've said enough for now. I'll end with this...

Until you've walked a mile in my shoes, don't judge me. It'll be the toughest mile you've ever walked and I've done it for years.

Goodnight!

It's 1:19AM right now and I'm STILL too anxious to sleep.

Nannying Day One

There is no better form of birth control than watching a 15 year old girl!!! Especially a girl who's parents let her do anything she wants. I was seriously about to drop her off at her mothers house and be like "YOU deal with this!" And her friend was a real smart mouth too. The little boy has been excellent though. Thank God! If neither of them were behaving I'd probably lose my freaking mind... but considering I have them for 12 more days I guess there's still time for that. Thank God I am meeting with my psychologist tomorrow!

I don't know if I posted this but I'm seeing her 2 times a week now until I can get all my PTSD junk under control again. I have about 9 million appointments this week that I'm not looking forward to. One new doctor too. WAHH!!!

I went shopping with my grandma the other day. I think I bought half of Guess, haha. I seriously love that store. I'll love my clothes more when I'm

Well, I'm going to try to get some rest now. My brain has had enough for one day!

So Over Everything!

Here's an honest post about my life. I'm so fucking sick of it! At this point I don't care who reads this or what they think after they do. If you choose to use it against me then you can kiss my fucking ass.

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which means I have some REALLY BAD DAYS! People judge a lot and think I'm psycho but I am at the point where I don't really care what they think anymore. It's a real problem. My anxiety because of it has been through the roof lately and pretty much no one cares. It's a problem that can swallow you whole. There are a few things that could help me not get there but NO ONE seems to try to do any of those things. Everyday I struggle to get out of bed, weather it's from the constant excruciating pain that I'm in or from the PTSD. And every day I have to take on the world for simple things that everyone else takes for granted. Seriously. I can't even reach in the dryer without feeling like there's razors shooting from my spine.

Everyday I face lots of things that remind me of everything I CAN'T do. I'm not looking for pity right now either, I'm trying to educate you on what it's like, or if you are in a similar situation let you know that you aren't alone. I've been through SO much in the last 3 1/2 and I have had to alter my life in ways I never thought I would have to all because of someone else's negligence. I had to take 2 medical withdrawals from school (but of course I still need to pay that loan back), it took me 3 1/2 year to get a 2 year degree, I can't work because I can't sit, stand, bend or otherwise move without pain, I'm an emotional wreck because everything is finally catching up to me, I have doctors, psychologists, psychiatrist, physical therapists, orthopedics, lawyers, insurance companies appointments and all sorts of other things almost every day of the week. I have no time to have fun. Not that there is a whole freaking lot I can do.

Today I screwed up an important doctors appointment. I have too many things going on that I can't even keep track of everything. My quality of life is shit right now. I'm just SOOOOOO sick of having people say "I wish I could make it better. I'm so sorry you feel like that." and then I flat out let them know how they can help and they DON'T! Even though I bend over backwards for them, or their family. It's 15 times harder for me to do it than for someone else to. Oh and when I spend money and it's unappreciated it really pisses me off. Ya wanna know why? Cuz I CAN'T WORK!!! You're just lazy and don't feel like doing anything for yourself cuz everyone else always does it for you. Must be nice.

How is all this fabulously raw emotion for you? I'm sick of trying.

Bye.