Tonight is a Taylor Swift and Mariah Carey night

Rough couple of days. I can't even begin to get into everything that is going on. But the icing on the cake came yesterday in the mail. I have a court date for disability coming up. I chose to do this without a lawyer because I'm already paying one and can't afford another. So I have a TON of things to get together in the next 20 DAYS and I have no idea where to begin. So how do I react? I cry, cry more, sob hysterically in the shower, make a few phone calls, cry while I'm on the phone like some sort of moron, cry through therapy then listen to some Mariah Carey and Taylor Swift and let myself cry without beating myself up for doing it. Sometimes I think it's important to do that. Some of the words are exactly what I need to hear right now. I'm going through withdrawal from the heavy meds I was on for PTSD. My doctor had me stop them immediately because I had a really bad reaction to it.

I have plans with James to go to the beach tomorrow and have a picnic. I'm looking forward to it, but it's hard to get excited about anything right now. All I want is to be snuggled, have my hair rubbed and have someone tell me everything will be ok and acknowledge that I'm doing the best I can.

Sometimes I really miss high school. It wasn't a school, it was a family. It was amazing and I'd give anything to still have all those people around me all the time. The teachers and students would come up and hug you and let you cry or yell or run around or do whatever you needed to do. And if you acted like a fool cuz you were over your head they didn't hold it against you, they just understood and helped when you were ready. I had my share of days where I needed to be able to lay on a futon and watch a movie, color all day or hide under the table and sleep, haha. That school saved a lot of lives and gave a lot of kids the chance they needed.

Well, I'm going to lay down, try to clear my mind and fall asleep.

<3<3<3

Nannying Day One

There is no better form of birth control than watching a 15 year old girl!!! Especially a girl who's parents let her do anything she wants. I was seriously about to drop her off at her mothers house and be like "YOU deal with this!" And her friend was a real smart mouth too. The little boy has been excellent though. Thank God! If neither of them were behaving I'd probably lose my freaking mind... but considering I have them for 12 more days I guess there's still time for that. Thank God I am meeting with my psychologist tomorrow!

I don't know if I posted this but I'm seeing her 2 times a week now until I can get all my PTSD junk under control again. I have about 9 million appointments this week that I'm not looking forward to. One new doctor too. WAHH!!!

I went shopping with my grandma the other day. I think I bought half of Guess, haha. I seriously love that store. I'll love my clothes more when I'm

Well, I'm going to try to get some rest now. My brain has had enough for one day!

Too Much Going On

Oh Lord, where do I begin?

Good stuff or not so good stuff?

Not so good followed by the good. Gotta end positive!

I need money to pay for the gas to get to all of my appointments but I can't work. I also am not independently wealthy nor are my parents millionaires. Mom, Dad, if this statement is inaccurate, please feel free to punish me by throwing money at me. So this puts me in a bit of a jam, then this fabulous opportunity to "nanny" for a friend of the family comes along. It's for 12 days while the kids dad is in South America. The kids are 12 and 15 and just need someone to make sure they're up for school and to cook dinner and help with homework. I'd be able to sit/stand/lay when I need to, they don't require me to chase them or bend. I'd have my weekdays free to go to my doctors and I'd be able to be home (their home) to the kids before dinner. I thought it was for a week... today I was told it would be for 12 days! This is a large issue because I have a dog and a bunny. And my Aunt is having surgery. And she has a 2 year old. And her husband travels for work. And my Grandma can't handle all of that herself. Oh, there's one other little detail that was left out... THE KIDS ARE ON SPRING BREAK!!! I have lots of EXTRA doctors appointments that week in addition to all the normal ones I have. That also means I will be dealing with 12 days of not having sleepovers at my boyfriends house. I NEED boyfriend time. He keeps me sane (most of the time). Plus he cooks me food and buys me candy :) Any idea how I'm gonna tackle THAT?! I'm glad I have a meeting with my Psychologist tomorrow. I feel like I'm gonna explode. But on a happy note, I do feel special, honored, respected etc that their Father is comfortable with letting me watch his kids while he's out of the country. I was the only one he wanted. THAT'S trust!

My knee is a hot mess. Duh, we all know that. Well today I was at James's house playing Naughty Bear on Xbox with him and it decided to try and commit suicide. Seriously. I was sitting on a chair, in a normal position, both feet on the floor playing a game and I moved my foot and my knee popped, swelled and after about 30 seconds I couldn't move it. It hurt so bad, I was crying my face off. I felt like a moron. This isn't the first time he's seen me cry from pain, we lived together for a year. He actually witnessed my leg giving out because of the nerve damage in my spine which made me collapse and caused these wonderful tears to begin with. And some of the most excruciating pain that my back is in when it's at it's worst, along with the killer pain I'm in on a daily basis that I try not to complain about. And he's seen my panic attacks. But anyway, this isn't why I felt like a moron. I felt like that because I try so hard to be positive on a daily basis and hide the fact that I am in pain that I feel like I fail at being a good person when something pushes me over the edge. And his mom came home while I was still crying. I couldn't move. I had to have my grandma come and get me because I couldn't drive. I have a standard and it's my left knee so pushing the clutch in would have been impossible. I hate that stupid car. But, positive, it's feeling much better after a pain pill and 6 1/2 hours. Unfortunately I hate pain pills because they make me sick to my stomach and my head all foggy. But they kill the pain.

Yesterday James and I went to Wegmans to grab some veggies to go with dinner and he found Gluten Free CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZELS! He bought them for me and they were delicious! Thumbs up Glutino! If you are allergic to gluten I suggest giving them a try. And if you work for Glutino I'd love some free stuff for promoting you! Lol.

Well kiddos, I'm off to bed. I can't focus on anything anymore because of this pill. I unfortunately need to try to sleep (hahahaha) or I'm going to be sick.

HAPPY HUMPDAY!!!