Tonight is a Taylor Swift and Mariah Carey night

Rough couple of days. I can't even begin to get into everything that is going on. But the icing on the cake came yesterday in the mail. I have a court date for disability coming up. I chose to do this without a lawyer because I'm already paying one and can't afford another. So I have a TON of things to get together in the next 20 DAYS and I have no idea where to begin. So how do I react? I cry, cry more, sob hysterically in the shower, make a few phone calls, cry while I'm on the phone like some sort of moron, cry through therapy then listen to some Mariah Carey and Taylor Swift and let myself cry without beating myself up for doing it. Sometimes I think it's important to do that. Some of the words are exactly what I need to hear right now. I'm going through withdrawal from the heavy meds I was on for PTSD. My doctor had me stop them immediately because I had a really bad reaction to it.

I have plans with James to go to the beach tomorrow and have a picnic. I'm looking forward to it, but it's hard to get excited about anything right now. All I want is to be snuggled, have my hair rubbed and have someone tell me everything will be ok and acknowledge that I'm doing the best I can.

Sometimes I really miss high school. It wasn't a school, it was a family. It was amazing and I'd give anything to still have all those people around me all the time. The teachers and students would come up and hug you and let you cry or yell or run around or do whatever you needed to do. And if you acted like a fool cuz you were over your head they didn't hold it against you, they just understood and helped when you were ready. I had my share of days where I needed to be able to lay on a futon and watch a movie, color all day or hide under the table and sleep, haha. That school saved a lot of lives and gave a lot of kids the chance they needed.

Well, I'm going to lay down, try to clear my mind and fall asleep.

<3<3<3

Super Busy Weekend!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

This weekend was super crazy. My life is super crazy who am I kidding? My pain has been horrible, my anxiety is horrible and I'm pissed off 90% of the time. FIX ME! So, I need Physical Therapy and Psychology and a variety or other doctors and what not's right? Right. But I have so many problems that I can't work, right? Right. Gas is $4.20 a gallon by me, right? Right. I have a money tree in my backyard, right? WRONG! I seriously can't even afford to get the fucking care I need now because of gas! It's been this way for weeks. No body seems to understand that. And I KNOW my Orthopedic won't! So I'm stressed about seeing him, I'm stressed that I don't have time or gas to go to any of my appointments like I'm supposed to and because I know my crappy insurance will be like "she's not going to her appointments so now we wont pay anything." I need some help! Something has got to give. I unfortunately can't get out of this situation on my own. UGH! HELP! I feel like I'm stuck in a downward spiral. And I need new meds for anxiety. I unfortunately am getting some scary side effects that can be related to the new pill I started. Gotta call the doc up tomorrow. Which means he'll try something new and I'll have to fight with my insurance again. It never ends. Seriously, I have the WORST car insurance ever. They're supposed to be on MY side. And ya know what would be cool? If I heard from my lawyer in the past like 3 months. I've been getting calls from bill collectors over medical bills my insurance was supposed to pay but didn't and they were supposed to take care of that. Jesus, both of these companies are supposed to be on MY side and I feel like they aren't! Hey, lawyer and insurance adjuster, if you're reading I NEED YOUR HELP! THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO! HELP WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN!!! I didn't get in this position by myself and I can't get out by myself either.

Ok, I needed to vent. That seems to be all I'm doing lately and I'm sorry. I really am. I need to get things under control but the harder I try the worse it seems to get.

Anywayyyy...

I had a high school reunion Saturday! I graduated in 2005 but this was a student organized thing and it was so fun! There were people there from the class of '03 all the way up to '10! I was a little hesitant to go just because I was so crabby but I really had a fabulous time even though all the people from my "core group" of friends weren't there! I think it should be an annual thing! Bravo to the people who put it together!!!

I'm on the left with the big white purse

Drama Club Superstars!

After the reunion James and I went to my Mom's house to celebrate Mother's Day with her. We made dinner and played xbox! Then in the morning she had her traditional Mothers Day breakfast. Green eggs and blue pancakes... and bacon of course! Lol. This tradition started when I was too young to use the stove but I wanted to make my Mommy a special breakfast in bed. I made pancakes with food coloring and sprinkles and scrambled eggs with food coloring and cooked them in the microwave, lol. I can't imagine how awful it tasted but it started a tradition. Now I'm old enough to use the stove so it tastes a little bit better. Oh, and I didn't use the sprinkles, lol.

Then later today I celebrated Mothers Day with my Aunt and Grandma the only way we know how... with DRAMA! Lol. Things were pretty tense for a little bit but it calmed down and we ended up having a good night. Especially since tonight was a good episode of Desperate Housewives! I hope the police believe Susan! That poor woman has gone through so much lately!

Well it's 12:39AM so I guess I'll try to get some sleep now. Wish me luck!

Insomnia, Pain and Anxiety OH MY!

Wahhh!!!

It's 12:39 AM right now and I can't sleep. I normally can't sleep easily because my mind races with visions of car accidents and stretchers but my Dr put me on new anxiety pills that are supposed to help me sleep. I used to take Ambien before I moved back to Rochester. I wish my would just refill it. Instead he gave me a prescription for a medicine used to treat PTSD that makes you tired so I take it at night. It DID make me fall asleep within like an hour-ish but I would still wake up from nightmares, pain, anxiety and sometimes a straight up panic attack. He upped my meds and gave me an "emergency" one for when I am starting a panic attack. I was supposed to take it every night for a week at first though. I will admit my anxiety is slightly less, but it still has a way to go though. And the fact that I'm not sleeping is making everything worse. Your mind plays tricks on you when you don't sleep. For real. so that makes it even worse. For the past several weeks, since before I did the nannying, I have been averaging about 4-5 hours of sleep a night. And that's not 4 or 5 restful hours, I wake up every 45 minutes - 2 hours then it takes me a while to fall back asleep. I have lots of thoughts running through my head then. The stupid train that drives by my house every 13 seconds blowing it's whistle doesn't help either. Ok, it's not every 13 seconds, it's like every 90 seconds but whatever :-P

Pain. OW OW OW OW OW OW OW! Today my back was KILLING me. I did nothing out of the ordinary but while I was in the middle of eating dinner with my family I ended up bursting into tears because it hurt so bad. I never complain about it so they know when I cry I'm really in bad shape.

I think I really need to start complaining more so they understand that it's a problem I deal with every minute of every day. Do you know how exhausting just that alone is? I just choose not to make my problems other peoples problems. But that always comes back to bite me in the ass with this family. I love them all but they really need to learn to think before they speak because in all honestly I'm kind of a broken person. I have a thick skin and trust me I'm a fighter but the second I turn my back I cry and go upstairs to my room. And the constantly picking on me for things I CAN'T change or do anything about needs to stop. I spent some extra time at my moms this week and didn't do any therapy because I needed to regain my sanity. I feel like I'm always getting kicked while I'm down and getting salt poured in my wounds and I don't know why people would want to do that to me. I'm just a girl who's dreams were crushed because of someone else's carelessness. But I kept trying, for 3 years!!! I've done everything I could do and didn't listen to the doctors who told me "you can never be a doctor because of your injuries. You physically can't handle the schooling and the residency" but I kept trying. I have loans out my ass and no ability to work to pay them off. But everyday I try to make a good day. And feeling like a failure for so many reasons is a hard thing to get past every day, not being able to carry laundry, give myself a pedicure, walk my dog and things like that are horrible reminders that I am not the same as I used to be. But then when I'm told things like "you're getting too fat" because I can't run anymore or "you don't deserve to have your dog, you can't even walk her" because her pulling makes the walking hurt even more or "what are you gonna do with your life? You can't even go to school" makes it a million times more unbearable. So, for the record, I had plans of what I wanted to do. I busted my ASS to get to where I was, which might not be as fabulous a place as you, but I was proud. And I had confidence and I was going to change lives. I was unstoppable. The came the dumb lady in the Lexus and that life was over. Even though I fought like hell to hang on to it.

Now, I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe go into business for myself at some point since I'm the only one who can understand what I need physically and emotionally. But really, after all this I just want to be a great wife and mommy someday. Not now, but someday. Shit even if I was to get married in 5 minutes and have babies my spine would probably snap. Hopefully in a few years I won't find out I can't do that, cuz that would devastate me. I should have lived in the 50's. I like the simple things in life a lot more that the glitz and glam. I'm kind of a diva but I have my core values and I would give up the chance to be rich and famous to be loved and secure.

This was a lot of babbling but I hope anyone who knows me personally got something out of it. I have a lot more to say but I think I've said enough for now. I'll end with this...

Until you've walked a mile in my shoes, don't judge me. It'll be the toughest mile you've ever walked and I've done it for years.

Goodnight!

It's 1:19AM right now and I'm STILL too anxious to sleep.

Making Tracks For Celiacs

As you all probably know I have a gluten allergy. I found out 3 years ago this month that I could no longer be the pasta inhaling machine that everyone knew and loved. After 2 days of eating gluten following like 2 months of a gluten free diet my doctor had me get a blood test. Normally, I guess people are supposed to eat gluten foods for a full week before the test but I was miserable and my grandma didn't like seeing me like that so my dr tested me early. My results came back as a low positive for it. Basically, what I was told was "I can send you for the biopsy to make it official and then you can never eat gluten again or I can spare you that and tell you not to eat gluten anymore" I opted for the less painful. I'm not big on needles or any sort of procedure. Then last year I moved to Binghamton for school and was so freaking poor that I was eating gluten because I didn't want to ask my family for help. *GROSS STORY* I ended up vomiting A LOT of blood and spent the better part of a weekend in the hospital getting my digestive tract examined, you can use your imagination to figure out how they did that... ugh. So after all of that it was confirmed, Celiac Disease.

I'm telling you this because this morning James and I signed up for the Rochester, NY Making Tracks For Celiacs walk! There is no minimum distance that you have to walk so I won't feel like a failure if I don't finish because of my back/knee pain! Plus it's obviously a cause I believe in. I'd LOVE to someday be able to pay 50 cents for a loaf of sandwich bread instead of $6! Our team is called the Silly Yaks! Corny? Maybe, but I love it. I'm looking for donations of any size so researchers can try to find a cure/treatent. If you want to donate you can do it HERE. I set a group goal of $200 but I'm hoping to far pass that!

I also want to make tee shirts for me and James. He doesn't know this yet though :-P I have an idea of what I want but no artistic talent. I just want a goofy drawing, nothing fancy. So if you're up for the challenge let me know, I'd love your help!

As I end this entry I'd like to give a shout out HUGE thank you to the people who are reading my blog! Especially the ones in the United States, Iran, Russia, Germany and Canada! I have the most views from these countries. You guys are awesome and I totally appreciate you guys taking the time out of your day to read about my life. Leave me a comment sometime.

That being said, I hope all of you in EVERY country have a fabulous night/morning/whatever it is where you are now! Oh, and GO SILLY YAKS!!!

CLICK HERE TO SECURELY DONATE TO MY TEAMS CELIAC WALK DONATION PAGE

This Week Flew By!

I haven't even had time to update this. I've had some pretty seriously intense back pain over the past 3 weeks. I'm really ready for this to be over. I just want to be normal. The weather has been pretty nice lately so I've been fantasizing about being able to run, bike, surf, hike, play volleyball and all other fabulous things I haven't been able to do in years.

I actually walked my dog at the dog park earlier this week. Ok, well my boyfriend walked her. I focused more on making sure my knee didn't give out and trying to breathe through the back pain. Yeah, I'm a pro at lamaze and I have no kids, haha. I didn't make it even halfway to the actual park but London was happy. And even though it hurt really bad to walk the 1/8 of a mile-ish there, and hurt for days after, it was nice to do something normal. I love when London is happy. James played with her Chuck-It for like an hour. She was so pooped, lol. Maybe I should get a 4 wheeler so I can drive up and down the path, lol.

Happy with her stuff

Family Picture

Other than that I have been helping my Grandma and Aunt with Munchie. My Aunt's townhouse flooded. And they can't stay there until everything is clean and dry because it's making Munchies asthma worse. He's been stuck to me. I love it 99.8% of the time. His favorite thing is my phone. He loves going through my pictures and telling me who's in each one. He also helped me clean out my car. He washed my windows, wiped part of my dash, counted my pennies OVER AND OVER, found Chuck E. Cheese tokens and was thrilled. He even carried all the flip flops that were in my car to the step in the garage for me. He wanted to be buckled in the seatbelt so I helped him and he goes "WOW!!! Like you!" so cute! Ahh, I could eat him up.

Buckled in like the grown-ups while we cleaned

I spent some time yesterday in a tanning bed... I don't know how I got burned but I did!!! My armpit region. OW OW OW!!! The artificial rays don't usually see there. lol. Now I hurt there too! Lol. Funny tanning story, once when I was in Virginia Beach on vacation with my Aunt and cousins my Aunt told me to put sunscreen on. I never wore sunscreen, only tanning oil. So i rubbed some on my hands and slapped my back. My entire back was burned except that handprint, lol.

I slept at James's house last night and we hung out with his cousin and her fiancee. I love them. I ended up falling asleep on the couch while they were there. Yeah, you can say it, I'm a party animal, lol. Today we decided to go on a PICNIC! OMG I was so excited. I got a new blanket the other day it's half zebra and half hot pink, I call it my zebra! So we went to Wegmans and got stuff to pack up and headed to my house to get London. We made our sandwiches, packed yogurt, chips and sparkling juice (and a container of London's favorite wet food and water for her) and as we walked out the door it started to RAIN!!! So we walked London around the house for a few minutes and came back inside. We had our picnic, minus the zebra, in the dining room. Then we watched a bunch of Roseanne and snuggled on the couch. It was still fun :)

MY ZEBRA

OMG! BREAKING NEWS!!!! OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS KILLED!!!!! I'm so glad. I mean, personally I think all American's should get to beat the ever loving shit out of him and let him suffer, but at least it should give some small bit of closure to the poor families of all the people he killed and hurt. To this news I say good riddance you fucking bastard. I hope you suffer every day in hell.

Today is the 3 year anniversary of my Great Grandma's death. I miss her every day. She was a great woman. R.I.P. Gram, I love you!

Gram, me and baby London

I'M DONE NANNYING!!!

Oh, and HAPPY EASTER!!!

This is just gonna be a quick update. I'm done nannying. THANK GOD! Some days were good, some were bad. Overall I'm glad it's over. The dad missed his flight and got back 2 days late. Oy. Today I got the rest of the money, after some serious drama, and now all is right with the world.

I went to Brunch at the Holiday Inn with my family, my boyfriend and his mom. It's a tradition. My boyfriend tried to take my mom's title of Bacon Eating Champ but my mom help strong! Even dipping some in the chocolate fondue. Lol. Go Mom!

I went and saw my Dad and Step-Mom for a little bit today too. Sooo full of delicious GF Key Lime Pie!

Now my back is killing me so I'm going to take a pill, watch Desperate Housewives, snuggle my dog and hopefully fall asleep.

HAPPY EASTER!!!

Why Are My Pictures Being Annoying?!

Yesterday and today were pretty fun! I love when I can say that! Yesterday was a pretty lazy Sunday. The kids and I didn't do a whole lot. We went to Wegmans and bought some food for them for the week and we got all the ingredients to make dinner. We made homemade pizzas and ice cream sundaes for dessert. Josh's half of the HUGE pizza was just plain cheese and pepperoni. Sara did half white pizza with basil and mozzarella and the other half had red sauce, cheese and red onions. She LOVED the white pizza. Mine was a Gluten Free work of art! I used Against The Grain's three cheese pizza crust. It was a white pizza with garlic, ricotta, mozzarella, basil, red onions and roma tomatoes. SO DELICIOUS! It's my new favorite pizza. Then we made sundaes, oh they were magical, lol. French vanilla ice cream, hot fudge, sprinkles, mini chocolate chip and whipped cream. We made them in martini glasses to make them look fancy :)

Half of my pictures are saving upside down or sideways, I don't know why. I fix it on iPhoto but it doesn't load right on the internet. WHYYY?!

Other than eating we played The Simpsons Monopoly, watched Desperate Housewives and then we watched Paranormal Activity 2. They love scary movies but were too scared to watch the next movie, lol.

Today I woke up and my Aunt called me wanting me to come get Munchie cuz she was in pain from surgery and my Grandma was about to lose her mind. I hardly ever turn down Munchie time :) The kids I'm nannying wanted to visit their mom for a few hours so I decided to spend some quality time with my Munch at Bounce-It-Out. It's a big building full of bounce houses. I wish I could play on them too! He had soooo much fun. I love him. Then we went and bought stuff to do Easter Eggs tomorrow when I watch him.

Well, I guess I'm gonna try to relax now. Cross your fingers it stops SNOWING! Seriously, Mother Nature, it's mid April. I know you're old but if you can't do your job correctly then it's time to retire.

Tootles.