Thursday, March 31, 2011

So Over Everything!

Here's an honest post about my life. I'm so fucking sick of it! At this point I don't care who reads this or what they think after they do. If you choose to use it against me then you can kiss my fucking ass.

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which means I have some REALLY BAD DAYS! People judge a lot and think I'm psycho but I am at the point where I don't really care what they think anymore. It's a real problem. My anxiety because of it has been through the roof lately and pretty much no one cares. It's a problem that can swallow you whole. There are a few things that could help me not get there but NO ONE seems to try to do any of those things. Everyday I struggle to get out of bed, weather it's from the constant excruciating pain that I'm in or from the PTSD. And every day I have to take on the world for simple things that everyone else takes for granted. Seriously. I can't even reach in the dryer without feeling like there's razors shooting from my spine.

Everyday I face lots of things that remind me of everything I CAN'T do. I'm not looking for pity right now either, I'm trying to educate you on what it's like, or if you are in a similar situation let you know that you aren't alone. I've been through SO much in the last 3 1/2 and I have had to alter my life in ways I never thought I would have to all because of someone else's negligence. I had to take 2 medical withdrawals from school (but of course I still need to pay that loan back), it took me 3 1/2 year to get a 2 year degree, I can't work because I can't sit, stand, bend or otherwise move without pain, I'm an emotional wreck because everything is finally catching up to me, I have doctors, psychologists, psychiatrist, physical therapists, orthopedics, lawyers, insurance companies appointments and all sorts of other things almost every day of the week. I have no time to have fun. Not that there is a whole freaking lot I can do.

Today I screwed up an important doctors appointment. I have too many things going on that I can't even keep track of everything. My quality of life is shit right now. I'm just SOOOOOO sick of having people say "I wish I could make it better. I'm so sorry you feel like that." and then I flat out let them know how they can help and they DON'T! Even though I bend over backwards for them, or their family. It's 15 times harder for me to do it than for someone else to. Oh and when I spend money and it's unappreciated it really pisses me off. Ya wanna know why? Cuz I CAN'T WORK!!! You're just lazy and don't feel like doing anything for yourself cuz everyone else always does it for you. Must be nice.

How is all this fabulously raw emotion for you? I'm sick of trying.

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