It's 12:39 AM right now and I can't sleep. I normally can't sleep easily because my mind races with visions of car accidents and stretchers but my Dr put me on new anxiety pills that are supposed to help me sleep. I used to take Ambien before I moved back to Rochester. I wish my would just refill it. Instead he gave me a prescription for a medicine used to treat PTSD that makes you tired so I take it at night. It DID make me fall asleep within like an hour-ish but I would still wake up from nightmares, pain, anxiety and sometimes a straight up panic attack. He upped my meds and gave me an "emergency" one for when I am starting a panic attack. I was supposed to take it every night for a week at first though. I will admit my anxiety is slightly less, but it still has a way to go though. And the fact that I'm not sleeping is making everything worse. Your mind plays tricks on you when you don't sleep. For real. so that makes it even worse. For the past several weeks, since before I did the nannying, I have been averaging about 4-5 hours of sleep a night. And that's not 4 or 5 restful hours, I wake up every 45 minutes - 2 hours then it takes me a while to fall back asleep. I have lots of thoughts running through my head then. The stupid train that drives by my house every 13 seconds blowing it's whistle doesn't help either. Ok, it's not every 13 seconds, it's like every 90 seconds but whatever :-P
Pain. OW OW OW OW OW OW OW! Today my back was KILLING me. I did nothing out of the ordinary but while I was in the middle of eating dinner with my family I ended up bursting into tears because it hurt so bad. I never complain about it so they know when I cry I'm really in bad shape.
I think I really need to start complaining more so they understand that it's a problem I deal with every minute of every day. Do you know how exhausting just that alone is? I just choose not to make my problems other peoples problems. But that always comes back to bite me in the ass with this family. I love them all but they really need to learn to think before they speak because in all honestly I'm kind of a broken person. I have a thick skin and trust me I'm a fighter but the second I turn my back I cry and go upstairs to my room. And the constantly picking on me for things I CAN'T change or do anything about needs to stop. I spent some extra time at my moms this week and didn't do any therapy because I needed to regain my sanity. I feel like I'm always getting kicked while I'm down and getting salt poured in my wounds and I don't know why people would want to do that to me. I'm just a girl who's dreams were crushed because of someone else's carelessness. But I kept trying, for 3 years!!! I've done everything I could do and didn't listen to the doctors who told me "you can never be a doctor because of your injuries. You physically can't handle the schooling and the residency" but I kept trying. I have loans out my ass and no ability to work to pay them off. But everyday I try to make a good day. And feeling like a failure for so many reasons is a hard thing to get past every day, not being able to carry laundry, give myself a pedicure, walk my dog and things like that are horrible reminders that I am not the same as I used to be. But then when I'm told things like "you're getting too fat" because I can't run anymore or "you don't deserve to have your dog, you can't even walk her" because her pulling makes the walking hurt even more or "what are you gonna do with your life? You can't even go to school" makes it a million times more unbearable. So, for the record, I had plans of what I wanted to do. I busted my ASS to get to where I was, which might not be as fabulous a place as you, but I was proud. And I had confidence and I was going to change lives. I was unstoppable. The came the dumb lady in the Lexus and that life was over. Even though I fought like hell to hang on to it.
Now, I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe go into business for myself at some point since I'm the only one who can understand what I need physically and emotionally. But really, after all this I just want to be a great wife and mommy someday. Not now, but someday. Shit even if I was to get married in 5 minutes and have babies my spine would probably snap. Hopefully in a few years I won't find out I can't do that, cuz that would devastate me. I should have lived in the 50's. I like the simple things in life a lot more that the glitz and glam. I'm kind of a diva but I have my core values and I would give up the chance to be rich and famous to be loved and secure.
This was a lot of babbling but I hope anyone who knows me personally got something out of it. I have a lot more to say but I think I've said enough for now. I'll end with this...
Until you've walked a mile in my shoes, don't judge me. It'll be the toughest mile you've ever walked and I've done it for years.
It's 1:19AM right now and I'm STILL too anxious to sleep.