Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Tonight is a Taylor Swift and Mariah Carey night

Rough couple of days. I can't even begin to get into everything that is going on. But the icing on the cake came yesterday in the mail. I have a court date for disability coming up. I chose to do this without a lawyer because I'm already paying one and can't afford another. So I have a TON of things to get together in the next 20 DAYS and I have no idea where to begin. So how do I react? I cry, cry more, sob hysterically in the shower, make a few phone calls, cry while I'm on the phone like some sort of moron, cry through therapy then listen to some Mariah Carey and Taylor Swift and let myself cry without beating myself up for doing it. Sometimes I think it's important to do that. Some of the words are exactly what I need to hear right now. I'm going through withdrawal from the heavy meds I was on for PTSD. My doctor had me stop them immediately because I had a really bad reaction to it.

I have plans with James to go to the beach tomorrow and have a picnic. I'm looking forward to it, but it's hard to get excited about anything right now. All I want is to be snuggled, have my hair rubbed and have someone tell me everything will be ok and acknowledge that I'm doing the best I can.

Sometimes I really miss high school. It wasn't a school, it was a family. It was amazing and I'd give anything to still have all those people around me all the time. The teachers and students would come up and hug you and let you cry or yell or run around or do whatever you needed to do. And if you acted like a fool cuz you were over your head they didn't hold it against you, they just understood and helped when you were ready. I had my share of days where I needed to be able to lay on a futon and watch a movie, color all day or hide under the table and sleep, haha. That school saved a lot of lives and gave a lot of kids the chance they needed.

Well, I'm going to lay down, try to clear my mind and fall asleep.


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